Letter from Amma

My dear Altoid,

He said he couldnt come over today, so will call him next week and fix a time.
(!!@#&^^%%%% if you are asking what kind of a start this could be to a letter, well its obvious you dont interact much with my mater....Seren and I have years of experience and catch on to random trains of thought like wildfire) I have been down with a cold and cough. I went to the doctor and he has prescribed antibiotics, which I dont need/believe in. I prefer the quack that lives 50 kms away to the certified doctor across the street, cos the quack gives me colored potions that make me throw up all the impurities and cleanses my system. Faith healing is quite a strong antidote, you know. But what to do, the doctors themselves dont believe in it. Hope you are doing fine and eating right and exercising regularly.

The "maestri"(that would be the handyman, I believe- loosely translated) had come and swindled us of 300Rs, he took away the stash of cement that we had kept aside to build the second mansion on top of the one we have..... please dont let your father know, he'll ask to file for divorce papers right away. I cant afford to fight an international matrimonial law suit. The roof is still leaking, I am not able to pay for more than 25 buckets to catch the water. The maestri says thats a new type of roof design.

She said that eating taro root everyday will cure you of all diseases you have and will ever have in your life(!@@^****((%$!). The password has been changed and she has not shared it with me. And then she yells at me saying I am technically challenged. Who has the time to do tags?
(Ha! you, the innocent readers, didnt catch it, did you? SHE is talking about two different people in these 3 lines. If you didnt get that, you really dont need to be reading further, cos most likely NOTHING else will make sense!).
Have you checked your brain lately? You know after a certain age, one should get all mental and physical faculties checked at regular intervals. Ok, it is now charred and your sister will scream if I present this to her for dinner. I have to make rotis without oil for her too. She behaves as if I never cook for her.....btw what color are the flowers in the big shrub thats in the third spot away from the creeper against the wall? Have you gotten a fresh batch of strawberries...dont forget to water the poinsettias regularly. Please dont forget to use MiracleGro, its true to its name and very soon you will have a thriving garden. You know, he never calls back and emails to him keep bouncing. I am not sure if its a hyphen or underscore in his email id. Maybe it is both? Can you find out on the internet what his email is and let me know?

Ok, my students have arrived at the doorstep and they have exams next week. I wont be sleeping for the next two weeks worrying about their results and how it will affect my image. Take care of yourself and please write. I find it difficult to browse your blog for updates because I dont know what she does but sometimes I cant find the website easily in explorer.

Love
Amma