Tryst with destiny

Recently I met someone who has emerged out of an abusive relationship. I refrain from saying successfully, because there is never a successful and complete transition. Time works in its own weird ways, the pain goes away, but scars probably stay for a longer time...unless of course one indulges in plastic surgery!

The underlying complaint or fault appeared to be just ONE and quite simple when spelt out. What I recently discovered to be termed as "passive control". While I listened and we ignored the ticking of the clock, while hours, minutes and seconds flew by.....a lot that was said sounded familiar. And this term surfaced rhythmically...until it was unbearable to hear it any more.

Passive control, I am told, is a weird way to achieve control over strong personalities. When one is not able to actively override over another, one resorts to passivity. And that is a tougher challenge to face. Its about constantly burderning the other with obligations, listing the little so called "sacrifices" and "adjustments" made and demanding returns. Point is, solution to living a relationship cannot be upon obligations and demands of duties and must/must nots and be judged upon how obedient one is to the others wishes. If "discipline" is the requirement, better to adopt a pet, tame it, and call it a day!

Coming from families where daughters(nah, children) are told to believe that the sky isnt even the limit any more, that one has every freedom to chase every wildest dream, its gut wrenching to find oneself in relationships where mantra chanted is that your biggest fault is that you go after everything you dream of. Does that make one selfish? I dont know, sure one can be faulted for chasing one's dream. Is it an unwritten law that one never speaks one's mind...that one is just required to say "yes" and agree? And does disagreement spell rebellion? And for most part, its not about earth shattering decisions on whether or not to have kids, its simple things, simple day to day things that one wishes to do. And giving in to that wish means surrender. And thats unmanly. So if one wishes to be adamant about it, then make life hell, COS YOU CAN.

I find some girls/women tell me that it is one of the unwritten rules. Never to openly wish/desire for anything, but to manipulate and convince the other half to believe it was their idea in the first place. My point is...why? Why the trickery? Can we not be adult enough to say whats on our mind and be open about it? And if thats not how things work, then some of us are defective pieces.

I remember many moons ago, one of the prospective grooms was "bold" enough to ask for a private talk after the initial "meeting and greeting". "Wow" I thought to myself. "How original, how bold and broad outlooky!". (Pliss to note, I had just finished my undergrad and was a prime candidate for one of them "get married and go abroad" brides").

He : "So what do you plan to do going forward".

Me : (Whoa! This guy actually is concerned and is interested to know about my plans/dreams/bla bla mushy sentiment here) "Oh, I actually want to pursue further studies....masters...then if I can, even a PHD. I have always wanted to do this...bla and bla and bla and bla........"

He : (Some 2-3 lines of mumbled politeness)

And then we were done.

Two days later his parents call back to let us know that they have found a better candidate and Mr. SuperHero felt the "girl"(ahem, yours truly) was too ambitious and didnt exactly fit his requirement. My only question is, if one were so hell bent on "requiring" just a maid and fancy doormat, why not just say that first and not go through the rigmarole, wasting everyone's time, energy and groceries like rava, sugar and veggies?

Ya, when someone figures that out, pliss to let me know!

Anyway, I digress...this post was intended to commemorate our nation's 60th birthday...yes an India poised......at the turn of even greater things to come, where every dream is fulfilled, where child/domestic abuse has been eradicated, where dowry and dowry related deaths is a long forgotten vice, where religion means one God, where literacy is mandatory, where civic sense is rampant, where a vaccine has been invented for curing corruption.....



Where the mind is without fear
and the head is held high;
Where knowledge is free;
Where the world has not been
broken up into fragments
by narrow domestic walls; ...
Where the clear stream of reason
has not lost its way into the
dreary desert sand of dead habit; ...
Into that heaven of freedom,
my Father, let my country awake.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Jai Hind!